"Stan And Judy's Kid"
I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses
I got a ten story mansion on the beach
With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash
I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear
Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news
The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
And how did I get to be the man that I am?
A god among men, only without the tan
It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
"Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
"Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
back in the cows"
"Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
"Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
and Regis Philbin"
So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know
'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO
And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends
"Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
Done, and done.
"Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
"There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
Hmm, no, I suppose not.
"Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"
He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
Thanks to him I'll never live on Ramen noodles again
And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it
I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it
"Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
"It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
If you say so
"Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
and tiptoe around the airport."
Sounds like fun
"How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
to fit down the toilet?"
I don't know. Let's find out.
"Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks
For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duckets
If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets
So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
"Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
"Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
pez, and lint."
"If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
Yeah, I guess so.
"Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officier Big Mac
thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a
cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
You got it!
"Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
Oh... do I have to?